Sexless in the city

ARNOLD Schwarzenegger blamed it all on his sexless marriage to Maria Shriver, never mind the fact that his ‘sexless marriage’ fetched him four kids. But Schwarzenegger's plight surely evoked sympathy, secretly at least, among many a married couples in India, who have been dragging their sexless marriages for years.

Experts caution that the number of couples in such marriages is on the rise and it’s no more uncommon to find couples who haven’t even consummated their marriage and reach out to a counsellor for help. Garima and Ritesh Jain (names changed) are one such example.

On the outside, they seem to have everything going for them. Both husband and wife in their thirties hold plum posts in multinational companies, but the fat pay cheques they get at the end of each month haven’t been able to fill the void in their eight-year-old marriage.

"My husband was unable to perform in the bed. Soon after the marriage we tried several times, but somehow we weren't able to consummate the marriage. And then somehow we got busy with our lives," says Garima. At one point of time, the couple wanted to separate. "I went back to live with my family, but they insisted I go back and carry on with the marriage. That's when we decided to see a counsellor," says Garima.

Their counsellor, Dr Aruna Broota, told us living in sexless marriages is an emerging trend – something that she had to deal with all the time. "Indian society is very rigid, and this couple did not want to separate because of social shame and economic insecurity. We are governed by very conservative social norms and people live in loveless sexless marriages without letting it be known," says Dr Broota.

Prenups are becoming a fashion statement in India too?
DRAGGING ON

THE STORY of Garima and Ritesh finds echoes in a website called the experienceproject.com. The website allows people to post their experiences in certain situations and have a section for people in sexless marriages.

Here’s what a woman called Mrs India wrote: "I had an arranged marriage 15 years ago. I was too scared to leave because I didn't know where to go if I did leave. I knew that I wouldn't be happy back at my parents so I stayed. My marriage was sexless from the start. I initiated it every time, and noticed he never made a move. I blamed it on his family because we lived with his parents. When we moved to our house away from his parents it was still the same, but I was still in denial. I thought it would be better if we had kids. I literally forced him to have sex with me so that I could get pregnant. I sobbed my heart out afterwards because I felt so ugly and unwanted." Mrs India did get pregnant, but her husband didn't care much about her pregnancy.

She further writes: “My marriage is not just sexless, it’s emotionless too. The only time I saw any emotion was when I told him I was leaving him. I feel ugly and dead inside and it’s frustrating when others that don’t know my situation tell me how pretty I am and how lucky my husband is."

Why you should 'wait' to get married
SEXLESS AND LOVING IT

THERE are several people who go on living a farce in the name of a marriage due to societal pressure and the stigma attached to the D-word (divorce).

But there’s another breed of couples which is quite happy with an asexual arrangement. “For them marriage is more about companionship than sexual pleasure,” says Jitendra Nagpal, senior consultant psychiatrist, VIMHANS.

“These couples are emotionally interested in each other. But they are somehow jolted from slumber, when they are pressured by their families to produce off-springs,” he says.

MARRIAGE BREAKERS

THIS impatient generation has also given birth to another breed that believes in calling the marriage off at the drop of a hat. “They are very bold and vocal about it.

There are women who openly say that my husband has a very low libido and is unable to perform. People belonging to this category head straight to the court,” says Nagpal adding that being so vocal about once sex life may not be that great a virtue.

“It is difficult for a man to admit that he has a low libido. Female counsellors have a tough time in counselling such men. And that’s why it is important for a male counsellor to be present during the counselling session,” he adds.

WHAT STATS SAY

ON AN average Nagpal has to deal with at least two to three such cases every week. “Over the past 10 years the number of couples seeking counselling for sexless marriages has increased fivefolds,” says Nagpal.

About 80 per cent cases are because couples are unable to take out time for sex.

And about 10-15 per cent of the couples actually have problems because of certain lifestyle disorders such as smoking, alcoholism, drug addiction, and obesity.

But the most important factor that leads to sexless marriages is the concept of sexuality.

“Sex is not all about that threeminute act. There’s more to it. Sex is taken for granted just like, exercise, diet, hygiene and sleep. Because of their ‘busy’ lives, people compromise on these factors. It is ironical that animals are still enjoying their lives by taking these things seriously,” says Nagpal.

It has become monotonous, boring and predictable for most urban couples.

Real Men Reveal: "How I Knew I Wanted to Marry Her"
Romance is an important part of sexual health, but sadly it has gone missing in most modern marriages. Dr Kamal Khurana, relationsh counsellor, Purple Alley, blames it on the taboo attached to sex in India.

“Women here are not much informed about sex and men derive most of their knowledge from porn,” he says. “Of course there is a mismatch. I know of a woman married to a sex fiend who abused her for 10 years. She hated having sex with him. Such a marriage is equal to a sexless marriage because there is no emotional bond,” says Khurana.

The woman finally found that missing emotional quotient outside her marriage and sought for a divorce.

A sexless marriage can lead to different psychological disorders. Dr Broota cautions that it leads to depression, sudden anger outbursts, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

“It also leads to several other phobias. A person in such a marriage might be scared of going into an elevator, for instance,” explains Broota.

How Not To Marry The Wrong Guy
PRESCRIPTIONS

The brain is said to be the biggest sex organ. And so experts prescribe a long-term therapy session for couples in sexless marriages.

Dr Khurana believes in forging a bond of friendship between the husband and the wife. “They should first become friends and learn to trust each other and then we ask them to start hugging and kissing each other. It is a very long-term process.”

Nagpal says that couples should compliment each other at least once a day, instead of ticking each-other off.

“It also helps in recalling the pleasurable moments you might have enjoyed in the past. It can act as a booster for sex." Remaining asexual in a marriage is a personal choice. But dragging a sexless marriage is not very wise.

Seek the help of a counsellor or a sexologist in case you are sexless in the city and not particularly happy about it.

Reproduced From Mail Today. Copyright 2011. MTNPL. All rights reserved.

Heighten a woman's sex drive

Men have traditionally been touted as the 'hungry for sex' species. With a comparatively higher sex drive than their female partner, men are often expected to assume charge while performing in bed and are held responsible for a gratifying act too.

But why are men having all the fun? Women too can act bold when it comes to showing off their sex drive. But how?

Dr. Deepak Arora, a sexologist elucidates, "Men love their wives to have sex and wives have sex to get love from their men, in this way they become a supplement for each other. So if the female partner starts taking an equal interest in the act of intimacy; it can bring them closer to each other and they can enjoy a healthy sexual relationship."

Relationship and sex counselor Dr. Geetu Bhardwaj supports, "Gone are the days when a 'high sex drive' was considered a male prerogative. With various sexual techniques and arousal methods, even women can enhance their sex appeal and thus give their sex drive a much needed boost. Once women empower themselves to take charge in bed, they can overtake men not only in their sex drive, but also in sexual performance."

Breaking away from the preset notion of 'men are sexually more active', we get experts to share ways as to how a woman can overtake her man in sex drive...

Take charge of for*play : Men, in general, are not overtly interested in prolonged for*play. So it comes as an added advantage for women to give a push to their sex drive and initiate the primary for*play. Sex therapist Dr. Devesh Roy advices, "Women must keep in mind that the arousing acts should be intense so that the man feels that you are fully charged up for a steamy session in bed. Do not focus much on unnecessary things like cooking a meal etc that may mar the mood before it actually gets going."

Plan for a sensuous night : You'd have often seen in Bollywood flicks that the hero is decorating the room for a night of passion and is going all out to woo his lady love with surprise gifts. But why do men make way for these sexual fantasies? It's time for women to let their wild imagination spread its magic. Relationship and sex counselor Dr. Geetu Bhardwaj opines, "Keeping their sexual desires on a high, women can plan for opulent bedroom settings whereby they can have everything that hints towards their sexual desire. Right from dim lights and aroma oils to fragrant rose petals and orchids strands; create an atmosphere that is conducive for a lovemaking night."

Dress attractively : Quite often, women feel low on sex drive because they feel less sexy and attractive from inside. Hence, they wait for men to pamper them and make them feel wanted. Dr. Amita Mishra, a relationship expert however states, "Looking attractive in sexy attires like a bikini or see-through lingerie ignites the female sexual desire to get intimate with their partner and vice-versa. Even if your man is not interested in sex on a particular night, there are chances that your dressing provocatively will arouse them for a sexual session."

Exchange naughty gestures : While men always boast of their sex drive through gestures like tickling, caressing, kissing, whispering and at times publicly displaying their affection, women too should try shedding their inhibitions and acting a bit naughty. While having dinner, women can try holding their mate's hands or giving them a surprise hug when he's shirtless right after a shower. "These sexual gestures act as clear indications that a woman is much more aroused as compared to the man. This high sex drive gets translated into a wonderful chemistry in the bedroom while having sex," feels Dr. Roy.

Make kissing a memorable experience : Passionate kissing works wonders in your sexual paradise, but again don't let your man make the first move. Make him feel that you know much more than him when it comes to kissing. Try different kinds of kisses and drive him crazy. "Kissing is a quintessential part of for*play, the actual act and after-sex moments. Women can use kissing as a weapon to stimulate their partners and at the same time also experiment with newer ways of kissing to leave their partner utterly surprised," suggests Dr. Geetu.

Don't insist too much on contraception : A short cut to let your man know that you're equally, or more, ravenous for sex is to let the things happen without much of interruption. While performing in bed, women must not insist too much on using protection and just try to enjoy the act. "Continuous reminders about using contraception make a man feel that the woman is not keen on sex and is rather overtly worried about the aftermath. So it's suggested that the pleasurable moments should be performed sans any hindrance to show a woman's craving for sex," says Dr. Amita.

__________________